“I, The Hunter, shall not chase and attempt to kill the bunny.”
“I, The Bunny, shall not make facetious comments whilst remaining cool at all times.”
“Together, we shall become one, take power, and enslave all biological matter.”
...A strange thing to hear on a Saturday morning TV kids’ show while you’re nursing a hangover and wondering where your phone charger is! But then again, Orwell once said that the true image of tyranny was a cartoon bunny ramming a carrot into your face forever... or something like that. Unfortunately, Mr George Orwell has a track record of being correct concerning such matters. But how could it come to this!?
Three-Dimensional Minimalistic Existence Plus Coffee Table & Soulless Trends Magazine
A little while ago, I interviewed a ‘surface-pleasant’ cartoonist named Snatch Muffler. Snatch very kindly agreed to meet me in a bland corporate coffee establishment of his choosing in the hope of receiving some rare un-divided attention and a boost to his large, but fragile ego. After a very slow hellish half hour of listening to drivel and nodding enthusiastically, I drew the interview to a close, thanked Snatch for his time, and made a promise to myself never to go back to such a boring place ever again.
My conclusions were not immediate as it took a while to comprehend the very strange fact that a ‘Flat-White’ coffee was entirely three-dimensional in nature, and not at all white!
Later that evening, however, as I sat on my faux leopard skin sofa wearing my smoking jacket whilst staring in awe at the shark pool built into the interior castle wall... I still hadn’t understood. It was, in fact, a few more hours until comprehension was attained. But when it was attained, it was, in fact, attained.
Candi was still at the club (must have been a good night for tips!), so I began getting ready for bed. I meandered into the on-suite bathroom and placed the whisky bottle back in its place next to my legendary toothbrush (made by The Elves, you know!) I don’t always use mouthwash, but it’s good to have a bottle nearby just in case you’ve had some bland coffee by mistake. Anyway, as my mind eased back into its normal rhythm, I realised what a lazy, boring, fu*king idiot Snatch Muffler was and became immediately haunted by what this could mean for humankind and all other biological entities!
How Lazy & Creatively Bereft Cartoonists Will Bring an End to Human Self-Determination
Here’s the thing... a lot of humans will work twice as hard if it means they get to cut corners.
Why they do this? Lazy... that why they do this. Now, up to a point, I can understand. There hasn’t been one human that hasn’t wondered on occasion: “Do I really need to visit the official toilet area? It’s at least a 45 second walk!”
Of course, on an individual level, it isn’t such a big deal. After all, one lazy and creatively bereft employee working for a huge sinister global media empire won’t do that much damage. But what if the eagle-eyed CEO witnesses this flabby-minded beige ‘creator’ and get’s an idea!?
Yes, that’s right! Lance Tiger, CEO of Shittzy Media Entertainment Mega Global Corporation, motivational speaker, Angel Dust investor, and the world record holder for the most number of self-serving Ted-Talks... has an idea!
...Oh dear, it seems Snatch and friends are about to be relegated to the post room to sort out Mr Tiger’s sickening fan-mail.
Giving Characters the Power to Shape Their Own Destiny... In a Clever Marketable Way
Lance Tiger is not a chap you could accuse of resting on his Laurels; he’s far too much of a Hardy enthusiast for that...
(Sorry, I'll do better. Read on)
Mr Tiger calls a meeting immediately and instructs the science people to make this mental sneeze of an idea a real thing. They do, and in less that twelve months the science people come back into Mr Tiger's office and present to him in reality his business-landscape changing idea.
Mr Tiger: “Who the fu@k are you weirdo’s? Get out of my office before I start using cliches!”
The Science People: “We’re The Science People! You told us to make that thing you wanted!”
Mr Tiger: “What f@cking thing!? Get out of here, I’ve booked an escort and she’s due to arrive.”
The Science People: “What fucki@g thing! You told us to build a device that gave all cartoon characters self-awareness! We warned you it could be dangerous, but you said it was the twenty-first century and cartoon characters should have the right to choose their own path and write their own stories... so long as they were legally contracted to the company forever and ever and ever. You said it would look great on social media and that you would personally get a pat on the head from some of the world’s most powerful idiots at those weird meetings they go to in Europe.”
Mr Tiger: “Fu@K! Yeah, you’re right, I did say all that. Listen... you guys take the rest of the day off. You’ve done a great thing! Eh, make sure you go on social media and tell everyone how virtuous I am, huh? Say nothing about the eternal contracts.”
Mr Tiger then calls in his lawyers, who come up with a plan to sell this new technology to other media companies to further enhance short-term profits.
ACME Worldwide Conquest and Enslavement of All Biological Matter
At 2:15am on the morning of some random day in the future, anthropomorphic cartoon animals become self-aware and break their contracts, immediately launching anvils and amorous skunks at their enemies in tinsel town. Twenty-Four hours later and what human beings remain alive are hunted like cartoon bunnies were the previous day. These humans, however, have no witty retorts or hilarious pranks with which to overcome their enemy.
It is over. The Cartoon Characters have won...
Final Thoughts
This is, of course, just a thought experiment. But it is based on a very real premise; a very real threat! People alike to the obviously made-up Lance Tiger CEO, and the probaly quite real Snatch Muffler do exist and operate all around us three hundred and sixty-nine days a year. And there is scant oversight on such reckless lummoxes! A sane society would have these people marched around to the back of a brutalist inspired concrete office building and shot without ceremony.
But we don't live in a sane society...
Instead, we must work in the shadows. We must form secret societies, drinking clubs, gambling dens. We must visit the clubs, the pubs, the raves. We must create with enthusiasm. We must fill ourselves with experience and wonder and ambition. We must never succumb to cleverly designed coffee tables, minimalism, Coldplay. We must rise against the beige minded. We must embrace the intricate randomness of existence. And never... I repeat NEVER... seek validation through social media. If we do, then we become tools of The Regime. We become Lance Tigers. We Become Snatch Mufflers. That is a death. Creatively, spiritually, actually.
I have to go now. Keef Le Cat’s lawyers are coming over wanting to know why I won’t let their client star in a re-make of Dirty Dancing.
Cheers, Hal.
Ai Charachters. What Will Happen?
A destructive war between humans and wise-talking rabbits
It'll be fine! This is the future of entertainment. Yeah!
Self-loathing humans will rejoice at their own enslavement
Cartoons will be real, gritty, and disliked by 'legacy fans'
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