My Gratitude for the Sunshine Knows No Bounds!
Good day! Children of The Almighty! May I first wish upon you peace and a belly filled with sustenance and the highest quality of mead!
Now, what with this being the first of many such utterances, I should borrow a moment to explain myself. Myself being Brother Lembit of the twelfth century Saint Mickey’s Abbey located in the town of Bow Nydol; and this occasion, which is to be regular, is a task given to me by Pauly 'The Iceman' Maximus, the Abbot of the Abbey. The task being that of replying to the vast amounts of letters from complaining peasants that the Abbey receives on any given day of our Lord.
This task, which I take very seriously, is one I shall endeavour to increase my skill upon. However, I have other important duties in the town and Abbey, and herbalist is one of these.
Returning to my gratitude for the sunshine. I am gratified and pleased to see the shining sun, for not many hours after I shall also see sun-burned locals of Bow Nydol in desperate need of my specially formed after-sun facial cooling potion which my assistant - Enuchus - will be offering for sale at a reasonable price in the marketplace in Bow Nydol.
Now, it’s time at last to answer your rantings!
Brother Lembit.
This Weeks Readers Rants & Questions & Blackmail Attempts
Dear Brother Lembit. Can I ask how much cash you have stashed away in Mickey's Abbey? Arn from Bow Nydol | Sup Lembo? I was thinkin of snappin' me up the monk-life. It be nice, bro? Free-flowin' mead... know what I mean? Martin De Bauxmint. | Dear Brother lembit. If I 'ave 2 sheepies and 1 goes on holiday, how many pigs there be in the stable? Thank ye. Barry, Swansea. | Dear Brother Lembit. Please can you tell me if Unicorns exits. And also if they do or do not, how much to keep quiet about it...? Reginald De Veg, Bow Nydol Reach. |
Dear Arn. We in the Abbey have no need for riches. Our wealth comes from Him. However, if you need a loan, this can be arranged. (Interest rates & fees apply.) | Dear Martin. The life of a monk is hard though can be rewarding... Before considering the cowl, please take my cheaply priced course: Monklife: How to Dominate The Cloister! | Dear Barry from Swansea. I believe pigs are currently banned and so there are none in the stable. Any pigs found can be handed in to a Mr B.L Embit at St. Mickey's Abbey. | Listen, Reg - I've told you before... Unicorns do not exist. If you see such a thing in Bow Nydol market place it is simply a white horse with purple hair and a deformity. |
Longer Form Questions From the Fractionally More Educated
Dear Brother Lembit. Please advise on my girl-servant who has run off with a local ruffian and taken private letters written to me by Lady Wenchworth and which I fear future blackmail. Please keep this communication private as Lady Wenchworth is engaged to be married... and not to me. I mean, she's okay and all but I like to keep myself free and easy after all that nonsense during the plague. Lord Nochin of Nochin Hall. | Dear Brother Lembit. I am but a lowly baker of flavoured breads. How can I, as such a lowly fool, enhance my position in this world and do right by my progeny? I spend day after day gazing into the sky thinking of being a star. I just don't think I'm ready for talent shows. What should I do, Brother? Thos Thomas the baker of Bow Nydol. |
Dear Lord Nochin. May I suggest you get before these scoundrels and fake your own demise. Then bring your vast riches to Mickey's Abbey in Bow Nydol for safe keeping where you may also take refuge and sample the vast range of craft jams we have to offer at reasonable prices. Also, bring the deeds to Nochin Hall & ask for Lembit. | Dear Thos. The most immediate thing to do is to do away with such lowly self-chatter. In some places bakers of flavoured breads are held aloft like great banners of war waving with grace in the winds of the world; The mere sight of them shredding their opponets courage. Remember that image the next time you bake. Watch as the dough rises and becomes bread, for you also shall rise and become bread. Bread to be loved, feared, respected. |
That is all for this weeks readers rants. I hope many of you can take solace from these readers life situations and my considered responses which will hopefully solve their issues.
Until next time... peace!
Will Lord Nochin Be Safe at Saint Mickeys?
Yes, Bow Nydol is a lovely place in which to take refuge.
No, Lord Nochin will be robbed & Lembit always has an alibi
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