Neighbours. Everybody needs good neighbours. Unfortunately, good neighbours exist only in mythological tales alongside such esteemed entities as Bigfoot, Kraken, and the Loch Ness Monster. Though, I imagine Bigfoot would be quite the party animal, milling around in his string vest, swigging extra strength beer and performing rude hand gestures at passing aircraft.
Anyway, most neighbours are not what dreams are made of. Megan Fox - or other appropriate fantasy - does not live next door and your motor vehicle refuses to turn into a robot. No, in the abodes surrounding you, we have Geoff & Vera. George & Vincenzo. Joe & Barbara. Donald & Cindy. And finally... Veronica, who always invites herself in, but never brings a bottle.
These people are friendly enough on the surface. But scratch away just a little and a whole other dark world of golfing tips, barbeque jealously, and bdsm secrets, fester away across the immaculate lawns and freshly painted fences of your strange little corner of existence. Oh, and don’t tell Veronica anything you don’t want the entire universe to know about; she’s a one woman community gossip machine with the kind of hypnotic cleavage you could rent out to billboard advertisers.
So, the question is... how can you really annoy these people to the maximum degree?
Well, the answer is quite obviously simple: Build a medieval fantasy theme park in your back yard!
First Things First Is First: Overcoming Obstacles and Making General Groundwork Plans.
Okay, so not everyone has a huge house with a generous amount of land for potential development. If this is you, then fear not lowly peasant, as this obstacle can be shot through the heart with you to blame... and in the process giving willful disregard of the law a bad name.
It’s simple, just send a few letters to some of your surrounding neighbours congratulating them on winning a trip of a lifetime to a beach resort in Tahiti. After this, they’ll pack up their cases and vacate the development area. By the time they realise the beach resort isn’t real, you’ll have already levelled the area and began building.
Sure, Joe and Barbara and Donald and Cindy will launch a court case in your general direction. However, by this time you’ll already be a large corporation with tons of cash and lawyers, so of course, the case will be found in your favour. They may even have to pay you reparations for once having lived, without permission, in your future intellectual copyright trademark property! Yay!
If you already have lots of land, then proceed without the lawyers. From this point on, your dirty work will be carried out by corrupt and vindictive barons and their hench-peasants.
Once you’ve done this, then you’ll need a name for your theme park. Fu%k knows what you’re gonna call yours... but mine will be known as ‘Eyeses Pecked Out By Crowses Land’.
Catchy! Isn’t it!? And ripe for branding and marketing possibilities.
Barons? Hench-Peasants? Have You Been Smoking Turkeys, Sire!?
You’ll need staff to get this thing rolling, so get yourself some Barons. They can be found by placing a simple advert in the local Gentlemen’s Tavern. These can usually be found around local golf and squash clubs. The Barons generally have their own serfs, so this cuts out a lot of recruitment time and adds a buffer between you and the un-washed.
You’ll need a Baron to manage each of the ‘Lands’ inside your medieval theme park. You can come up with your own, but for example’s sake, here is mine.
Imprisoned Princess Land
Torture Land
Farm Land
Castle Land
Feast Court (Fast-Feast Franchises)
Horrific Plague Land
Continuous War With The French Land
So, Lets Have a Closer Look at These Lands and Their Exciting Functions!
Imprisoned Princess Land:
This is what it says it is. Basically, this is the main performative area of the theme park and it centres around a large purple castle with towering conical towers. And in one of those towering towers resides Elspeth, the stolen princess from the far-away kingdom of Crackland.
Here you’ll find much wooden seating areas where a good view can be had at the show as every half hour Sir Shining Warrior of Crackland attempts to rescue Elspeth from her locked tower... only to fail miserably as the evil Baron of Imprisoned Princess land watches on and laughs.
I know this sounds awful, but this is after all a comedic place and much fun will be had by the badly dressed patrons as Elspeth berates Sir Shining Warrior from her balcony.
“Alas lowly fool! Sir, thou shine as if mouldy bread doth veil mine eyeses. Cretin! Begone!”
Not only is there this prime show but also some apple bobbing contests and a rickety wooden rollercoaster named after Elspeth. Yes! You get to ride The Princess!
Torture Land
This ingenious area of the park is a working museum of ye olde worldy torture techniques. Visitors here will see how criminals - such as rent-dodgers and bread thieves - react to such devices as the thumbscrew, the rack, the iron rat helmet, the iron maiden, and the ex One Direction member solo career.
Torture land is also contracted for use by the CIA, MI6, KGB, STD and many other secret intelligence organisations bringing in vital funds that can be used to fund further exciting research in the field of new medieval torture contraptions.
Furthermore, because ‘Eyeses Pecked Out By Crowses Land’ is an educational place in nature, audience participation is encouraged.
Farm Land
This is where you get to see how the peasants spent their long working days of back-breaking labour. It is one of the more educational lands in the park, but you too can participate and fight Bowlrag, the local Alpha-Serf, for local home-farm hottie Maud and her filthy hand in marriage. If you’re lucky, she may even show you some ankle before the big day. If you’re not into Maud, I hear Bowlrag farms in every direction.
Castle Land
Castle Land is central in Eyeses Pecked Out By Crowses Land because it is both located centrally in the park, but also that it is the main entertainment area with such exciting features as a perpetual jousting tournament and regular raids by assassination squads armed with longbows and knuckledusters.
Here, you’ll also find staff members contractually obliged to dress up as fluffy medieval cartoon characters and engage in photographic opportunities with overly excited children and adults. Not only this, but the Castle Tour will allow park visitors to visit the dungeons and torment innocently imprisoned serfs who have displeased the King and Queen.
Photo opportunities here are a splendour. For instance, if you are a young girl you can have a very cozy picture taken with Androog, the low IQ creepy Prince. Or, if you are more of a male in orientation, then Princess Megeddon will accompany you on a site seeing tour for a small fee... and possibly the deeds to your soul.
There are more rollercoasters and a Ghost Cart Parliament ride, where you’ll be carried through a dark, stinking tunnel of headless ghosts and chinless ghouls by Pantomime-Horse & Cart. You will also see the stocks where you’ll get to throw rotten fruit at tax dodgers and tax collectors alike!
There will also be regular King’s speeches where the King burps and farts his way through a monologue reminiscing about the torture and beheading of his previous wives, and why all his best friends are pot-plants.
Feast Court
All the Fast-Feast franchises can be found here, ready to serve the hungry park visitors. There is a mega choice of choices to be chosen. From MacMurders to KFCeaseless Oppression. From BurgerBaron to PizzaWench. And from Five Knights to Dunkin’ Witches. There really is something for everyone!
Horrific Plague Land
This dark and terrible place allows you to really feel the awful ambiance of a plague infested medieval town. Here you’ll see peasants locked in their hovels, local sheriffs battering serfs for daring to go outside for a walk, and the Baron and his hench-ruffs moving about freely, laughing and joking as if it were all nothing!
As the bodies pile up, witchcraft raises its head in an attempt to break the power of the ruling hierarchy, only to be heroically captured and drowned in the river for dangerous plague denial.
Fun for all the family! But please remember to dispose of your novelty plague masks responsibly.
Also, A fellow in green tights steals from the rich to give to the poor. But seeing as the poor are all addicted to super-strength magic mushrooms and the rich control the illicit mushroom trade, it doesn't take long before the rich get all their money back. This process is repeated multiple times per day for the enjoyment of park visitors. (Magic Mushrooms are also available in the giftshop)
Continuous War With The French Land
And of course, last but not least, no medieval land would be complete without constant war with the French. Here you’ll see heroic French speaking Kings and knights riding off to war against other heroic French speaking Kings and Knights. I know, it sounds a little confusing, but history often is...
Final Thoughts and Setting Things Right With Joe & Barbara & Donald & Cindy
By now, your neighbours will be spitting roasts! Not to worry, you are now generally too busy to give a sh#t.
As a jester of civility, you offer Joe & Barbara & Donald & Cindy new homes located inside Eyeses Pecked Out By Crowses Land, roughly in the places where their old houses used to be. Sure, their initial reaction will be to refuse this offer. You, however, know that these folks have suffered long and hard at the peach painted toenails of Veronica the gossip-mill. What this mean!?
Well, it means that when you tell them Veronica is currently languishing in the dungeons of Castle Land, it will not surprise you to find Joe & Barbara & Donald & Cindy reporting for work first thing next morning with smiles on their bdsm twisted faces!
From this point on, things can only get more gruesome. It’ll be no time at all before the grand opening of theme park number deux...
...Eyeses Pecked Out By Crowses WORLD! The Most Sadistical Place in The Universe!
Cheers, Hal
How Much Should a Ticket Cost?
Two Gold Coins
Five Gold Rings
Three French Hens
A Goblet of Blood and a Flick of The Finger
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