I understand Your Pain.
You know what it’s like. We’ve all been there haven’t we? You spend thousands and thousands of Earth Credits to hire lawyers, solicitors, local gangsters, architects to purchase land, design an awful looking modern house, and intimidate local officials only to have your carefully considered plans rejected anyway. Jobsworths! Pah! What now?
Amusing Subterfuge: How Building a Fantasy Inn Annoys All the Right People!
Picture the scene. You’re laughing with friends whilst propping up the bar of your local fantasy Inn. In walks a smug-looking toe-rag with a clipboard and cheap shoes.
“I demand to see the landlord of this establishment,” he says.
“I’m the landlord of this establishment,” you reply.
A conversation then takes place where he tells you there's no planning permission for this new building and you’ve got to knock it down.
You ask the fellow outside.
He assumes you want to get rough with him. He doesn’t mind; he gets this all the time. And anyway, it proves to him even more that you’re a low-browed knuckle-head and he’s an upstanding local official who puts himself in danger to get the job done. Also, his boss will pat him on the head and that’s the thing he really lives for.
But no violence ensues. Only laughter from you as you point out the obvious.
Fantasy Inn Got You All in Check!
The official stumbles, his reality is fractured. The Inn is quite obviously at least five hundred years old and quite clearly pre-dates any modern planning laws or regulations. Even a look back through the scrolls will be unlikely to reveal any issues as in all likely hood, they no longer exist. Check mate, Mr official. Check mate.
With his smug grin eradicated, Mr planning official trundles away, no doubt back to the office to have a cry and moan to Brenda, the accounts lady. The scene fades out as they lift styrofoam cups of weak coffee to their lips. Brenda doesn’t actually give a sh*t, but she’s gotta work with the guy... Anyway, the scene fades away and suddenly it's all about your smug and smiling face. What Now?
How Do You Like the Idea of Royaling Yourself Up?
Now, pay attention. You’ll need to work quickly.
Right, assuming you did the sensible thing and built your fantasy Inn in a rarely wandered forest or remote field, you now have a small window of opportunity to add more buildings. Quickly plan for cottages, ye ole shoppes, a castle, dungeons, cobbled lanes, and more niche drinking establishments.
Once you’ve done this, invite peasants to come and live in your new town. Tell them you’re the King, or Queen and you live in the castle, and also sometimes at the Inn, which you occasionally frequent to inspire love and confidence amongst the people. Promote some peasants by giving them titles and responsibility, such as raising taxes. Pretty soon, you’ll have a thriving medieval town fully stocked with Wi-Fi and vending machines.
It won’t all be plain sailing, though. The planning official, by now, has become suspicious of the initial meeting, suspecting he’s been conned. You’ll need to deal with this. But you’re an exalted monarch now, with your own small army of archers and shining knights on horseback. Still, don’t get cocky.
The Planning Official Strikes Back.
Emboldened by his chat with Brenda, Mr planning official cleverly and secretly infiltrates your fantasy town. How did he do this? Well, he did this by leaving his hi-viz yellow jacket and clipboard in his Toyota Prius, parked discretely a mile away from Fantasy Town and behind a large bush. Sneaky Bash-Toad! He then spends his time undercover by taking photographs and involving himself with Darcy, a dancer at Swords, a popular late-night niche-bar situated above Elspeths Bakery in Fantasy Town Central.
Fantasy Town Secret Police.
Luckily for you, Darcy got bored with Mr planning official and exposed him to Kevine De Huge, your trusted Sheriff. And now, Mr official kneels before you in your throne room. He should be begging for his life by now... but he isn’t. What dis mean!?
Ahh, it seems he has photographic evidence of essential structural beams from the cellar in The Fantasy Inn. It seems that in your haste to construct the place you forgot to remove the builders merchant store barcodes. This proves that the wood is not old and, by implication, neither is The Fantasy Inn or the town around it.
The photos were on his phone, so you confiscate it and kick him out of town. Kevine De Huge disagrees with this decision but you don’t think you’re capable of murdering another human being - especially if there’s a chance you’ll get caught and 'regime changed' by bigger nations concerned with your growing power.
Up Steps Thomas Pepperwell, Conniverer-In-Chief.
It all becomes too much for you, so you promote a quiet local squire to be advisor to the crown. He informs you that confiscating the phone from Mr planning official is irrelevant seeing that you made the silly decision to add Wi-Fi to the town. He’s obviously sent the pictures around the world and there’s no way of getting them back. What next, then?
Aggressive Narrative Control.
You leave it all up to Sir Thomas Pepperwell, and within a week your problems all go away. Clever Thomas set up an aggressive campaign to control the narrative. He did this by propagating the convincing argument that Mr planning official made it all up out of anger due to his being spurned by Darcy, the local dancer.
Newspapers, eager to please their black-mailed financiers, ran the dramatic story mercilessly. Any fight back was quickly dismissed as mis-information, and the perpetrators quickly censored in the name of public safety. You have won!
Victory!
After your total victory over the planning official, the entire world comes to understand, out of a true un-thinking belief and occasionally fear, that Fantasy Town is truly historic and most excellent! Suddenly, you find yourself not just the King or Queen of a town, but also of a small forest nation with a seat on the UN Security council. But there’s a fresh problem... peasants keep erecting structures in your nation without your permission! You decide to solve this somehow and get Sir Thomas Pepperwell on the case.
Not a week later and you decide to drop in at the newly built Fantasy Town Planning Office with your new recruitment agency manager, Brenda. You follow Brenda into the swanky new building, up the staircase and into the small office built into the roof. You take one look at your new planning official and smile.
“I’m glad you could join us,” you say. “Would you like your phone back?”
Brenda laughs and rolls her eyes. She then ambles over to the small kitchenette to get three styrofoam cups of weak coffee and some poorly constructed donuts. The scene fades out on your deservedly smug and smiling face.
THE END
What U Think Happened!?
Darcy is clearly fickle. It would have never worked out!
Control Freak Alert! Darcy was right to 'move on'
Kevine De Huge... That's what happened!
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