Oh, another wizard. How exciting... not. It’s just gonna be another old guy with long white hair waving his weathered magical staff at children. This doesn’t speak to me, a modern 21st century person who cares deeply about the planet and instantaneous delivery of junk-food products to my door...
Wait... a modern, sustainable wizard, you say!? Tell me more!
Middle Management Over Magic: New Ways in Wizarding Wizards.
The time has come to pander to a new audience. The old wizards are, well, old! This new conscientious audience demands something that is relatable and non-triggering. But there’s an obvious issue here. The centuries old structures in place designed to give us wizards are part of the problem...
Use the same system, get the same results.
The usual way in which wizards are produced are centered around instinct, creativity, magic, myth, ology. They arise in the face of a cliched evil that exists only to either destroy or be destroyed. This is problematic.
By now, everyone in the 21st century knows there is no such thing as evil; only victims of previous injustices who have, unfortunately, through no fault of their own, taken a dark path that occasionally results in them committing atrocities and world takeover attempts.
These poor souls need therepy, not condemnation.
To get out of this vicious circle, we need a new system of making wizards.
Here’s the thing: We need to do away with the old creativism, and make our wizards with the latest tried and tested, modern 21st century ways. And that way is...
Consensus groups, cultivated social media data, and middle management.
This is the only way we’ll get the correct truth. The only way we’ll get a sympathetic wizard that represents a modern audience.
Wizards 4U: Twenty-Four-Month Contract, Free Upgrades!
Here we are, six months later than planned, and massively over-budget. But, I have to say, the results of my new out-sourced wizard recruitment are in. And they are on-spec!
There are four main areas that constitute this new wizard. And they are: Name. Appearance. Personality. Operating Style.
Firstly: Name
This was a tough one, but middle management came through with flying participation colours. And our new wizard will henceforth be known as Patiodoor The Trendy. Unfortunately, middle management overlooked social media username availability, so in an online capacity Patiodoor The Trendy will be known as Patio.DoorMonkey33.
Secondly: Appearance
Apparently, there was a long discussion over the wizard’s hair. We tend to think of long white locks fluttering in the winds of sorcery. Removing this unhelpful cliche was the first issue as short, brown-haired wizards are already the intellectual property of another creator. The solution to this was quite ingenious.
Our new wizard, complete with trendy silver hair bun and undercut, now takes extra care of his appearance and uses only organic shampoos and conditioners. Instantly relatable!
The beard stays, but is also silver instead of white, and is trimmed daily to stay on-trend. No sticky-outy bits allowed, as this won’t roll with the moisturised feel of our new recruit.
Next is clothing, and this is where our cultivated social media data really paid dividends.
Instead of the long cloak and hood, our wizard sports a short jacket, but which retains large baggy sleeves to placate older, modern-critical consumers. Moving ever downwards, our wizard: Patiodoor, now sports lightweight jogging pants, yellow socks, and extremely shiny Dr. Martens boots.
Other than these things, Patiodoor has a nice complement of tattoos, earrings, and tasteful facial implants that low-key harken to the moon, stars, astronomy and general shit like that. The traditional wizard's staff is now a thing of history, replaced with a multi-function selfie-stick. And lastly, the pointed wizard’s hat, though still a part of the wardrobe, now only comes out occasionally. However, it does now have a built in Go-Pro and Wi-Fi connectability.
Thirdly: Personality
Accent, though not technically part of someone’s personality, is an essential component of Patiodoor’s personality. He speaks with an educated English accent, though drops every third ‘T’ and every fourth ‘H’. This is so he is both authoritative, yet relatable to the great un-washed masses. It also allows him to move gracefully between social groups. He is equally at home when ordering a pint of cheap inferior quality lager as he is when ordering a ridiculous glass of expensive craft gin & tonic.
Through his sympathetic, therapeutic battles with poor unfortunate super-villains, Patiodoor is at ease bringing awareness to essential causes. He is sustainable, always searching for ways to operate in a way that reduces his carbon wizardprint.
He is open, welcoming, overly familiar in a non-threatening way. He’s not afraid to hug strangers and perform the double cheek-kiss. He is always present on social media, helpfully fact-checking people when they accidentally make non-regime-approved statements.
Fourthly: Operating Style
Patiodoor is keenly aware of the fragility of the rainforests. Therefore, he uses an e-reader instead of ancient scrolls. He also now uses an electric scooter instead of a white mythological horse because he is super-aware of how irresponsible it is to put an animal in danger. Animal welfare is a cause close to his corporate-designed heart. It does well on social media, and this bodes well for maximum profits and approval rating.
The machine gun he carries over his shoulder was something that nearly didn’t make it in. But after lobbying from the lethal weapons industry, Patiodoor is now a familiar face on TV whilst fighting actual bad guys in contrived foreign wars of freedom.
As well as being fully sustainable and bringing awareness to things... Patiodoor The Trendy also livestreams his battles on the internet, dabbles in homeopathy, canvases for large pharmaceutical companies, and is often found in his underwear by swimming pools in Dubai. It can be demanding sometimes, but he is dedicated to his Instagram followers and the paid subscribers of his travel blog.
He did go through a phase of posting raunchy beard pics on OnlyFans, but insists those days are behind him. Though refuses to condemn users of the platform. Because that’s the kind of wizard he is.
And lastly, for diplomatic reasons, Patiodoor has managed to source himself an Irish passport after discovering he qualifies because he might have possibly appeared alongside mythological hero Cú Chulainn in a bedtime story once told to a small child in Athlone sometime in 1997.
Final Thoughts
Now, despite this most excellently designed wizard with all his modern affectations and cozy personality, you’re only as good as your last meal. Luckily, Patiodoor’s last meal was a packed lunch comprising a low-carbon spiced kale toasted sandwich, a slice of pickled watermelon, and some organically recovered gourmet soy-milk containing the essence of cauliflower.
All that is left now is to get to work on some new cozy adventures where Patiodoor The Trendy saves the world by teaching mis-understood villains how to order the perfect Instagramable coffee and thereby achieving perfect emotional sustainability.
Cheers, Hal
Sustainable Wizard. What u think?
Mate, you've killed the franchise before its even written...
Patiodoor is literally me! I must tell my cat immediately!
Great! Now give me a villain using the same technique
Maybe I'ma dummy... but are you being sarcasticus?
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