Dogstronauts - Why Cartoon Dogs Will Lead Mankind to the Stars

Captain Duncan Dogglesworth of the Cartoon Dog Space Agency

You know how it is - you’re out walking around looking for random things to do and minding your own business. BOOM! You’ve spotted a lovely golden beach just waiting to be explored, sun-bathed upon, mooched along. Then... you see the gentle bluey green waves dancing across the sand and you feel your heart pulling you towards this ancient but mysterious ocean. It’s waiting. Waiting to be swum in, splashed in, frolicked in! But there’s a problem... you can’t seem to get to it. And this is exactly the same problem we have with the promising delights of Space.

Reality as It Stands.

Sure, it’s not beyond the reach of everyone. NASA, billionaires, friends of billionaires - they all get to go, and at least some of them are trying to open it up. But this is happening far too slowly. The problem is a lack of lateral thinking when it comes to technology. It’s the same issue that haunts many different fields where one particular way of doing things becomes the apex way of doing things.

Technology: Refinement Versus Ballsy New Ideas.

Rockets! Yeah, rockets, someone says, and then everyone becomes focused on making the best, most refined, most shiny rockets ever. But they’re expensive, I say - no-one listens. They’re un-natural, I say, no-one listens. What about cartoon dogs? I say. Are you listening!? No, they’re not. They are afraid of trying something revolutionary.

Space-Fetch: How to Inspire Cartoon Dogs and the World.

Now, I’m not saying rockets are useless. In fact, they’re central to the early phase in this new and original idea. But instead of building large, un-wieldy rocket ships, I suggest we construct tiny rockets the size of an average human finger and tie them to the kind of sticks that cartoon dogs love to chase and retrieve. We then launch those sticks into space. Why? Well, Space currently holds very little ambition for the average cartoon dog, but as soon as they see all those sticks going up they will want to chase them, and bring them back. Can you imagine? Cartoon dogs in space numbering in the hundreds of thousands! And they’ll all have hi-viz collars and trackers. Think of all the new worlds and wonders they’ll discover through their sheer excitability. But wait, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. How can this even happen? And how does that make it any easier for humans to go to the stars?

Advanced Dog flatulence as a Sustainable Propellant System.

It’s well within our means to construct space suits for dogs. And it’s well within a dog’s ability to use its strength to pull a load behind it. I mean, Huskies pull sleds... why can’t those sleds be modified for Space? And with a special dog food designed by a team of science-chefs for efficient cartoon dog flatulence, there will be no need for chemical rockets other than for Space-Fetch. This will minimise costs to an unbelievable degree.

The Exciting Bi-products of a Cartoon Dog Based Space Civilization.

No longer will we have to fear unknown and potentially aggressive aliens. Dogs will be their first contact with us. Dogs - naturally diplomatic in nature will cause the aliens to stop randomly in the Space-park and engage us in small-talk while stroking our trusted Space Dogs. Just imagine! One minute aliens descover and plan to destroy us and usurp our resourses... the next they're delightfully throwing space-Frisbee's for Trevor the dogstronaut.

Cats will thank us. With all the cartoon dogs on missions in space, cats will step up and replace dogs with regard to humankind's security. Guard dogs will become guard cats - and guard cats, quicker, more agile, and able to reach areas dogs can’t, will provide far improved security. This will undermine criminal elements and enhance our lives in general.

Rats: No-longer in fear of bored cats chasing them, rats will step up and take their place as global business leaders. They will give up the cheap scams and wanton theft and finally use their considerable talents for enterprise, creating jobs and higher standard of living for all.

All this will ignite a new paradigm of co-operation among Earth’s species. This will lead to a glorious new era of advancement that spreads across the sandy beaches, glorious waves, and shining stars of an undiscovered universe, waiting in anticipation.

Human fear is holding us back... it’s time to let the cartoon dogs out!