We’ve all done it, haven’t we? You know, build a criminal empire in our spare time.
What! What do you mean “no, actually I’ve never done that. Why would I want to do such a thing!?”
My friend, that is a crazy thing to ask. But as you’ve asked nicely, I’m compelled to educate. And educate I will, as the path of the righteous person is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of legitimate business enterprise.
Now, pay attention.
“Why Should I Build a Criminal Empire in My Spare Time? I’m Quite Lazy!”
It's because you're lazy, my friend. It's because you're lazy.
Now, there are many reasons to do this and chief among them is your unwillingness to engage in meaningful, legitimate work. I mean, sure, you have your job or university course or other daily activities that society has forced upon you, but let’s be real... you don’t really like it and it’s not going to buy that diamond encrusted Mercedes Benz you’ve been dreaming of.
Yeah, you could try to build a legitimate business empire, but there will be paperwork and lawyers and tax returns. Life is too short for this nonsense. Criminality is the way to go, most definitely.
"Yeah, you speak the truth! How though?"
Pay attention. Read on,
Where to Begin: Choosing Your Niche in the Criminality Industry
This is the most difficult part. There are many niches that exist, and choosing one is a mine field considering all the considerations that need to be considered.
If you look around, you’ll see some obvious ones. There’s vehicle re-appropriation. Stealth Import/exports. Intimacy dealerships. Physicality agents. And then the neuro-adventure industry, which is the most obvious and often provides opportunities in both manufacturing and retail/delivery services.
However, I would suggest against all of the above due to market saturation. “So what I do instead?”
Well, I would urge everyone to think a little more creatively.
"What this mean!?"
Well, it means - in my mind, anyway - that you should create your own niche.
"How the frack I do that!?"
Hey! Stop asking questions and pay attention and you'll find out.
Using the ‘Dark Arts’ When Choosing/Creating Your Own Niche
Listen very carefully, for I shall say this only once. You can, of course, re-read anything I say, because I’ll also be typing it with actual words. This isn’t the point, though, so pay attention.
You’ll need to wait until dark because only in the dark can the dark arts be used.
Dark yet? Yes? Okay, proceed.
Sit yourself down on a nineteen seventies inspired orange carpet or rug and surround yourself with mysterious candles.
Actually, on second thought you might be clumsy or something, so used battery powered led lights instead, or even better... use some drawings of candles as these are surely idiot proof. In the case of the latter, you’ll obviously have to leave the lights on. If you have a dimmer switch, then engage them up to warp one, but no higher. If no dimmer, then squint eyes. Don’t go overboard, keep yourself comfortable. Also, if no orange carpet or rug available, just use imagination.
Now, imagine in your mind’s eye something beginning with C.
Crime? Yes, good, now we’re getting somewhere.
The juices should be flowing now. Imagine yourself driving that flashy car, wearing the luxury watch, swimming in that pool in Dubai and posting images of yourself on social media. Yes, good. Very good. It should be flowing into you now, and your mind should be tingling like a sheep having an argument with an electrified fence. Pay close attention to the images that come to you, the feelings in your body, the gel in your hair.
Trading cards... Clowns... Energy drinks... BMX bikes...
Yes, that's four! That's all we need!
Now, to get our new criminal niche there's something magical we have to do...
Mix that sh#t up, moe tuckers!
BOOM! We have our niche. Read on to learn more.
The Empire: Taking the Niche and Making the World Your Possession
Now that we’ve decided to start an illegitimate business dealing suspect Trading Cards whilst high on energy drinks and riding BMX bikes, we can really get to work!
It won’t be long before you start to take territory. In fact, seeing as you’re the only one in this niche, all the territory should already be yours. But it’s an exciting time and people are flocking to you. They want your stuff; they want the vibe; they want those energy drinks you’ve got hidden up your sleeve.
Pretty soon, you’ll see frazzled teenagers hanging around on street corners. Some are desperate for that fabled Maradona trading card that’s a bit rough around the edges. Some aren’t interested in that, though. Some are after baseball related cards. Others basketball. They trade them among themselves, but they get them all from you. All those teenagers, however, are smashed on Purple-Delorean, the new energy drink you’ve cooked up in the back room. You’re making a killing and pretty soon you have people working for you, riding around the city delivering Purple-Delorean and wholesale lots of trading cards.
There’s a problem, though, as less creative opportunists see you living it large and want in on your territory.
Now what!?
The Muscle: Protecting Your Business Interests by Sending in the Clowns
Yes! I knew those clowns would come in handy!
Whilst you were growing your trading card/energy drink empire, in secret, you were creating an insurance policy. Clowns.
No one knew, and now that your competitors have shown themselves, you can send in the clowns on their BMX bikes. You had plenty of time to set this up and have already customised the BMX’s pedals to accommodate the clowns’ size 68 shoes.
Your rivals are taken by complete surprise. One minute they’re muscling in on your business, the next they're sniffing a trick flower on a clown’s lapel, the minute after that they’re on the floor with a wet face squealing like the filthy pigs they are.
This some ruthless Shakespearean sh#t you got going on here, my cleverly strategic friend. Lady Macbeth, watch the fu#k out!
Now what?
Consolidation of Power / Living the High Life
It’s like Manny Ribera says in the popular movie Scarface. “First you get the cat bowl. Then you get the cat food. Then you get the pussy.”
There’s no point in being successful if you don’t want to get all up in people’s faces about it. So, get yourself a swimming pool in a country where alcohol is forbidden and then take selfies of you and all your cats lounging around and enjoying cocktails.
You’ll have to come back to the street now and then to ‘remove’ any upstarts, but you’ve got BloJoe The Clown looking after things on your behalf, so you are all good. You’ll need to keep BloJoe loyal, however, so buy him a nice Christmas Present. May I suggest a BMX bike modified into a uni-cycle? I think that will go down well.
Final Thoughts
So, there we are. For general lazy people, social media staff, and stay-at-home mothers... this could be a ticket to the life of your dreams.
For those elderly folks looking for things to do, this is also a reasonable hobby to engage in. But may I suggest, in terms of the energy drinks... not getting high on your own supply. I mean, you ain’t taking all those medications for nothing!
And most importantly, for the students, I think this is a reasonably possible side hustle to work on in between your lectures. And to be honest, looking at the state of some people leaving colleges/universities these days, it might even be your only hope of some kind of employment. I mean, you’ll already be used to conversing with clowns, so for you it’s really a no-brainer... just like all those professors!
Cheers, Hal
Does Crime Actually Pay?
No, get a boring job like the rest of us
Yes, but only if you're a government or corporation
Absolutely! I'm drinking cocktails in Dubai as we speak!
Maybe, short-term, but in the end you'll lose your soul
留言